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If I'm honest, which I try to be most days (unless I am sneaking chocolate behind my kids' backs), I never planned on being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). While other preschool girls played house, I tried to build cars, televisions and swimming pools. My younger brothers suffered through countless charades of bank teller in elementary school. A bookworm in high school, I managed straight A;s and was one of the class valedictorians. My good grades continued through college, landing me scholarships. I guess you could say I liked school. I liked learning. I thrived on challenge and goals. And when school was over, I plunged head-first into a career, working sixty hours a week if that's what it took to get promoted.
And then I got pregnant.
Although I married shortly after college, my husband, Matt, and I waited to have kids. While I don't think we were "old" when we started our family, anything over 30 seems to be advanced maternal age in Arizona's SAHM world. My husband and I wanted to travel, establish careers, and buy a house, all of which we did in six years. Matt also got his MBA. Most people expected me join him, if not beat him to it. I brushed off questions of when I would go back, saying that grad school wasn't necessary in my line of work and I was progressing just as fast without it. That may have been true, but I think deep down my sub-conscience had an inkling that my life was going to take a different path.
Once I was pregnant, I knew I couldn't go back. Matt and I both grew up with SAHM's and wanted to give our family that same opportunity if we were able. Still, when I tried to resign, my boss convinced me to continue working with a reduced schedule. My hours gradually lessened. Soon I was working from home twenty hours a week as my schedule permitted. And eventually, it came to an end.
Working part-time from home had been a strange role for me. I struggled with my identity, my place
on the motherhood spectrum. I wasn't a working professional, but I wasn't a full-fledged SAHM, either. Gone were the days of having lunch with co-workers on a whim, yet I couldn't make it to most play dates because they occurred during work hours. So when I officially took on the title of bona-fide, 100% SAHM, I thought I would finally find my place and a much-needed sense of belonging.
I was wrong.
It turns out not all SAHMs are created equal. There are different groups, or dare I say it, cliques. Yay me, I'm back in high school....except in high school, I knew which clique I was in, and I was fine with it. Finding my place as a thirty-something year old mom is surprisingly more difficult. In case you haven't had the opportunity to witness, or even better, be fully immersed in the world of SAHM cliques, let me break it down for you.
Before you start sifting through these groups and say “But I watch the Bachelorette while eating gluten-free pizza from Whole Foods, so what does that make me?” or “I have a hand-sewn tote bag full of essential oils, so what are you trying to say?”, let me tell you that these are generalizations. You may not fall into any of these groups. I have plenty of friends who shop at Whole Foods (and I’ve even shopped there on occasion) but have more substance than a reality television star. I have friends who not only use but sell essential oils…and they vaccinate, too, and buy trendy clothes and wear lots of makeup. While I may not always feel welcome or accepted, I don’t dislike the women in these cliques. We are all entitled to hang out with whomever we want. I am not jealous (except for an occasional bout of hair envy). In fact, I’m sure people have also pegged me in one or more of these cliques at some point in time.
These are just my observations; take them with a grain of salt. You might even find some humor in
them.
1. The Wannabe-Real-Housewife-of-Phoenix Mom: This woman is what my husband refers to as a $50,000/year millionaire and is easy to spot by her luxury SUV and designer diaper bag. Her monthly allowance for highlights and pedicures is more than my monthly grocery bill. And speaking of groceries, don't ask her to shop anywhere other than Whole Foods. While I'm not opposed to Whole Foods, or any of the other identifying traits for that matter, I'm not sure I want someone to like me solely based on where I buy my fruit or the pattern on my diaper bag (TJ Maxx, baby!).
2. The Hippie Mom: Another easy one to identify, this woman can be spotted a mile away in her plain t, long skirt, toe ring and tattooed wedding band. She reads poetry to her children, takes them on nature walks and is incapable of raising her voice. She buys organic (at least what can't be grown in her garden), but not at Whole Foods, or at any big name establishment for that matter. Hippie mom is the reason for co-ops, essential oils and bee pollen. I love these types of women and a lot of the causes they support. I even had a natural birth with a doula, woop woop. Hippie moms are some of the friendliest, easy-going women with an infectious disposition. But...I vaccinate. Gasp!
3. The Lady-Who-Lunches Mom, also known as the "I'm Allergic to My House" Mom. I honestly thought this was the woman I would identify with best. I mean, I used to love Rubio’s Fridays with my
coworkers. This woman does more than lunch, though. She spends all waking hours sipping some fancy coffee I can't even pronounce at kid-friendly joints with friends who have like-aged kids- unless she has a babysitter, in which case she is sipping white wine watching The Bachelorette with the ladies. Why can't she have a Parks and Rec night? Turn down one offer and you will never be allowed back into the circle of salted caramel macchi - err, mocha? - extra whip drinking...whatever. See, this is why I lost my spot.
4. The I'm-Allergic-To-My-Kids Mom: This mom's kids are in early learning class at the age of two (don't you dare call it daycare!), multiple sports, science clubs, ABC clubs, music and movement classes...you get the drift. Anything she can do with someone else supervising them, she does. All in all, she is with them for breakfast and dinner and maybe an hour in between. If that's what works for her family, good for them. Not everyone wants to be home with their kids all the time. Trust me, I get it. But do you really think she wants spend her precious childless time hanging out with me and my kids?
5. The Artistic/Crafty Mom: Some women can make everything. Everything! My twine covered coffee cans don't cut it. This woman is hard core. I'm talking sewing curtains and pillows, designing her own jewelry, making kids clothing AND matching shoes, building a coffee table from scratch... I like to craft, but I don't know how to sew, I don’t own a Cricut, and I'm banned from my husband's toolbox for good reason. Oh, and that fantastic mural in her kid's playroom with the scene from a Disney movie? She painted it. To think I was impressed when I painted a single stripe in my daughter's nursery...
6. The Beauty Product-Addicted, Image-Obsessed Mom: Not to be confused with #1, this woman is often on trend, but that's usually where similarities end. She openly eats at McDonald's and might even shop at Walmart on occasion. Just because she cares about how she looks doesn't mean she puts tons of money into it. It just means every time she walk past, I have a shoegasm, deal with hair envy and wonder how she wears three colors of eye shadow. She intimidates me and leaves me baffled. How does she find the time?? (For the record, I have gone an entire day before realizing I forgot to put on makeup. To a play date. At MY house!!) She probably looks at me and thinks Seriously, she couldn't even put on mascara? To which I would reply, "I could put it on, but taking it off is a whole other routine, one I just don't like."
7. The I'm-Still-A-Baby-Myself Mom: The fact that Al Gore had yet to invent the internet and cellphones were the size of a shoebox while I was in high school automatically antiquates me. It's not that she doesn't like me, but come on! Only in the past year has she decided she can tolerate her mother. And I'm old enough to be her mother (if I was on Teen Mom, which she watches with her baby, by the way, while Instagramming pictures and coming up with the cutest little hashtags). #IStillCallItThePoundSign
8. The Still-Attached-At-The-Umbilical-Cord Mom: This woman sees herself as having one purpose in life: to be a mother. Any time spent in college was done with the goal of finding a respectable, hard-working husband with super sperm who would fulfill her uterus. I mean, her dreams. No knock on this mom, but sometimes I need another identity. And a break from my kids! Sorry, sometimes my idea of a play date is letting the kids play separately from the adults. No, I don’t want to lead a conga line with a dozen sticky hands glued to my waist. And by the way, this uterus is definitely closed for business.
9. The Stay-At-HOME Mom: She takes the term literally, rarely leaving home, so she's kind of hard to meet. I suppose given her hermit lifestyle, she isn't technically part of a clique. She's tired, or the kids are tired, or the kids are misbehaving, or someone had a sniffle three years ago... If it's possible, she is allergic to socializing.
And then there is me, the mom who just wants to hang out, have an adult conversation and let the kids
have fun. Why is it so hard to find chemistry with another mom? Don't get me wrong, I am not all alone. I have some wonderful mommy friends. Some easily fit into one or more of the cliques above, although they are not cliquey. Others are more like me, still trying to find their place (or recovering from a former life in a clique). I am grateful beyond belief for these amazing women, for the fact that they accept me for who I am and offer unlimited support, even if our viewpoints don’t always align.
Perhaps I don't need to a group to define me, though. Maybe social media has me thinking I need to collect friends like LEGO bricks, but the truth is, a few really good ones are all I need. Anything more is just icing on the cake. Or as like to think of them, colorful sprinkles on the cake. While there is always room for more sprinkles, I can still enjoy my cake if some of the sprinkles fall off from time to time.
And then I got pregnant.
Although I married shortly after college, my husband, Matt, and I waited to have kids. While I don't think we were "old" when we started our family, anything over 30 seems to be advanced maternal age in Arizona's SAHM world. My husband and I wanted to travel, establish careers, and buy a house, all of which we did in six years. Matt also got his MBA. Most people expected me join him, if not beat him to it. I brushed off questions of when I would go back, saying that grad school wasn't necessary in my line of work and I was progressing just as fast without it. That may have been true, but I think deep down my sub-conscience had an inkling that my life was going to take a different path.
Once I was pregnant, I knew I couldn't go back. Matt and I both grew up with SAHM's and wanted to give our family that same opportunity if we were able. Still, when I tried to resign, my boss convinced me to continue working with a reduced schedule. My hours gradually lessened. Soon I was working from home twenty hours a week as my schedule permitted. And eventually, it came to an end.
Working part-time from home had been a strange role for me. I struggled with my identity, my place
on the motherhood spectrum. I wasn't a working professional, but I wasn't a full-fledged SAHM, either. Gone were the days of having lunch with co-workers on a whim, yet I couldn't make it to most play dates because they occurred during work hours. So when I officially took on the title of bona-fide, 100% SAHM, I thought I would finally find my place and a much-needed sense of belonging.
I was wrong.
It turns out not all SAHMs are created equal. There are different groups, or dare I say it, cliques. Yay me, I'm back in high school....except in high school, I knew which clique I was in, and I was fine with it. Finding my place as a thirty-something year old mom is surprisingly more difficult. In case you haven't had the opportunity to witness, or even better, be fully immersed in the world of SAHM cliques, let me break it down for you.
Before you start sifting through these groups and say “But I watch the Bachelorette while eating gluten-free pizza from Whole Foods, so what does that make me?” or “I have a hand-sewn tote bag full of essential oils, so what are you trying to say?”, let me tell you that these are generalizations. You may not fall into any of these groups. I have plenty of friends who shop at Whole Foods (and I’ve even shopped there on occasion) but have more substance than a reality television star. I have friends who not only use but sell essential oils…and they vaccinate, too, and buy trendy clothes and wear lots of makeup. While I may not always feel welcome or accepted, I don’t dislike the women in these cliques. We are all entitled to hang out with whomever we want. I am not jealous (except for an occasional bout of hair envy). In fact, I’m sure people have also pegged me in one or more of these cliques at some point in time.
These are just my observations; take them with a grain of salt. You might even find some humor in
them.
1. The Wannabe-Real-Housewife-of-Phoenix Mom: This woman is what my husband refers to as a $50,000/year millionaire and is easy to spot by her luxury SUV and designer diaper bag. Her monthly allowance for highlights and pedicures is more than my monthly grocery bill. And speaking of groceries, don't ask her to shop anywhere other than Whole Foods. While I'm not opposed to Whole Foods, or any of the other identifying traits for that matter, I'm not sure I want someone to like me solely based on where I buy my fruit or the pattern on my diaper bag (TJ Maxx, baby!).
2. The Hippie Mom: Another easy one to identify, this woman can be spotted a mile away in her plain t, long skirt, toe ring and tattooed wedding band. She reads poetry to her children, takes them on nature walks and is incapable of raising her voice. She buys organic (at least what can't be grown in her garden), but not at Whole Foods, or at any big name establishment for that matter. Hippie mom is the reason for co-ops, essential oils and bee pollen. I love these types of women and a lot of the causes they support. I even had a natural birth with a doula, woop woop. Hippie moms are some of the friendliest, easy-going women with an infectious disposition. But...I vaccinate. Gasp!
3. The Lady-Who-Lunches Mom, also known as the "I'm Allergic to My House" Mom. I honestly thought this was the woman I would identify with best. I mean, I used to love Rubio’s Fridays with my
coworkers. This woman does more than lunch, though. She spends all waking hours sipping some fancy coffee I can't even pronounce at kid-friendly joints with friends who have like-aged kids- unless she has a babysitter, in which case she is sipping white wine watching The Bachelorette with the ladies. Why can't she have a Parks and Rec night? Turn down one offer and you will never be allowed back into the circle of salted caramel macchi - err, mocha? - extra whip drinking...whatever. See, this is why I lost my spot.
4. The I'm-Allergic-To-My-Kids Mom: This mom's kids are in early learning class at the age of two (don't you dare call it daycare!), multiple sports, science clubs, ABC clubs, music and movement classes...you get the drift. Anything she can do with someone else supervising them, she does. All in all, she is with them for breakfast and dinner and maybe an hour in between. If that's what works for her family, good for them. Not everyone wants to be home with their kids all the time. Trust me, I get it. But do you really think she wants spend her precious childless time hanging out with me and my kids?
5. The Artistic/Crafty Mom: Some women can make everything. Everything! My twine covered coffee cans don't cut it. This woman is hard core. I'm talking sewing curtains and pillows, designing her own jewelry, making kids clothing AND matching shoes, building a coffee table from scratch... I like to craft, but I don't know how to sew, I don’t own a Cricut, and I'm banned from my husband's toolbox for good reason. Oh, and that fantastic mural in her kid's playroom with the scene from a Disney movie? She painted it. To think I was impressed when I painted a single stripe in my daughter's nursery...
6. The Beauty Product-Addicted, Image-Obsessed Mom: Not to be confused with #1, this woman is often on trend, but that's usually where similarities end. She openly eats at McDonald's and might even shop at Walmart on occasion. Just because she cares about how she looks doesn't mean she puts tons of money into it. It just means every time she walk past, I have a shoegasm, deal with hair envy and wonder how she wears three colors of eye shadow. She intimidates me and leaves me baffled. How does she find the time?? (For the record, I have gone an entire day before realizing I forgot to put on makeup. To a play date. At MY house!!) She probably looks at me and thinks Seriously, she couldn't even put on mascara? To which I would reply, "I could put it on, but taking it off is a whole other routine, one I just don't like."
7. The I'm-Still-A-Baby-Myself Mom: The fact that Al Gore had yet to invent the internet and cellphones were the size of a shoebox while I was in high school automatically antiquates me. It's not that she doesn't like me, but come on! Only in the past year has she decided she can tolerate her mother. And I'm old enough to be her mother (if I was on Teen Mom, which she watches with her baby, by the way, while Instagramming pictures and coming up with the cutest little hashtags). #IStillCallItThePoundSign
8. The Still-Attached-At-The-Umbilical-Cord Mom: This woman sees herself as having one purpose in life: to be a mother. Any time spent in college was done with the goal of finding a respectable, hard-working husband with super sperm who would fulfill her uterus. I mean, her dreams. No knock on this mom, but sometimes I need another identity. And a break from my kids! Sorry, sometimes my idea of a play date is letting the kids play separately from the adults. No, I don’t want to lead a conga line with a dozen sticky hands glued to my waist. And by the way, this uterus is definitely closed for business.
9. The Stay-At-HOME Mom: She takes the term literally, rarely leaving home, so she's kind of hard to meet. I suppose given her hermit lifestyle, she isn't technically part of a clique. She's tired, or the kids are tired, or the kids are misbehaving, or someone had a sniffle three years ago... If it's possible, she is allergic to socializing.
And then there is me, the mom who just wants to hang out, have an adult conversation and let the kids
have fun. Why is it so hard to find chemistry with another mom? Don't get me wrong, I am not all alone. I have some wonderful mommy friends. Some easily fit into one or more of the cliques above, although they are not cliquey. Others are more like me, still trying to find their place (or recovering from a former life in a clique). I am grateful beyond belief for these amazing women, for the fact that they accept me for who I am and offer unlimited support, even if our viewpoints don’t always align.
Perhaps I don't need to a group to define me, though. Maybe social media has me thinking I need to collect friends like LEGO bricks, but the truth is, a few really good ones are all I need. Anything more is just icing on the cake. Or as like to think of them, colorful sprinkles on the cake. While there is always room for more sprinkles, I can still enjoy my cake if some of the sprinkles fall off from time to time.